A Very Scientific Study of Facebook’s Impact on a Romantic Relationship.

I really wish I knew what it was like to date people in a world without Facebook.  Facebook came out when I was 18, so I’ve never had a relationship without it.  Romance is already hard enough without publicizing everything on a global bulletin board, and someone (that jerk Mark Zuckerberg) decided to add another level of anxiety to the life cycle of a relationship.

  1. Meet someone.
  2. Who friends who on Facebook?
  3. Become Facebook friends.
  4. Go through all of his pictures to see his ex-girlfriends.
  5. Make your friends reinforce that you’re prettier than them.
  6. See the little green dot next to his name that says he’s available to chat.
  7. Wait for him to message you.
  8. Why isn’t he messaging?
  9. Oh my god, it’s been like 10 minutes, why isn’t he messaging me?
  10. Get the message, “Hey, what’s up?”
  11. Spend 2 minutes composing a message that says, “Not much, you?”  Gotta keep it cool, right?
  12. Make plans.
  13. Have a good time with this person.
  14. Take a picture of the two of you together and post it, tagging him, so the world can see you’re hanging out.
  15. Get really pissed when his friend checks him in somewhere and you weren’t invited.
  16. God forbid that friend is a girl.
  17. Have the “relationship status talk.”
  18. Change your relationship status.
  19. Have your friends comment on the status change (“awwwwww” or “finally.”)
  20. Post more pictures of the two of you together.
  21. Post so many pictures that most of your friends block your updates because they can only see so many self-taken pictures where your making out in front of beautiful scenery.
  22. Experience your relationship declining, but don’t post anything about how miserable you’ve become.
  23. Break-up.
  24. Muster up the courage to change your relationship status to single.
  25. Have your friends think it’s sudden because they only see you on Facebook and thought you were happy.
  26. Spend the next month or so putting 😦 after every status update.
  27. See a picture randomly pop up on your news feed of your now ex-boyfriend with a new girlfriend.
  28. See all of your mutual friends “like” that picture.
  29. Say, “I’m never putting another relationship on Facebook.”
  30. Repeat.

I know, I know.  “If you hate Facebook so much, why are you on it?” I don’t hate Facebook. I love Facebook.  I’ve created a livelihood that hinges on it.  So, in conclusion, dating sucks and boys are stupid.


About Tavie Crockett

Like "Davy Crockett," but with a "T."
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